LOST The crazy version
by McWoohoo
Summary: My humour at 4am, really weird.
1. Chapter 1

**Parts of this started off as a veeeeeeery weird conversation with a friend, so while bored at like 4 in the morning, I thought I would build on it for a really random, all over the place, lost skit.**

In the hatch.

Locke - Lost!

Jack – what?

Locke – I'm mean, found…I'm not lost anymore.

Jack – Okaaaaaay.

Kate – I'm hungry. **runs off**

Desmond – Oops maybe I forgot to the lock the door.

Jack – Actually I'm hungry too.

**Kate comes back**

Kate – Apollo bar?

Jack – Mmmmm yum!

Locke – Wait! Is there a hatch your not telling me about?

Kate – no **runs off into the HATCH shower**

Jack – Oooh Kate's in the shower!

Kate – Hey! I'll throw a rock at you! …Wait no that's sawyer never mind…

Desmond – Hey look brother! The Hurley bird!!

Jack – You know about the Hurley bird?

Desmond – Yeah it crapped gold so I shot at it.

Locke – Isn't that like one season too early.

Kate – Shush! Otherwise I will throw a rock at you…wait no that's Jack…no! Sawyer!

Sawyer – Yep...hang on I'm on a raft. WAAAAALT teleport me back! **Clicks his heels together, chants, and disappears**

Michael – The bird!!! **starts firing his gun, which doesn't shoot anything**

Jack – Sorry man, I was supposed to give that one to Sawyer…er I mean I forgot to load it. Wana hand me the mag?

Michael – No! This is MY in-flight magazine! WAAAAALT! **Clicks his heels, chants, and disappears**

Jack – Ok this is getting weird. Will you hurry up and shoot the damn computer so I can time travel to the episode where Kate and me kiss.

Locke – Whoah! Not yet…I haven't finished playing pacman.

**continues pressing the keys in a dyslexic fashion.**

Locke – …16…22…no 23…42. Wooyeah! 108! I win!!!

Desmond – I've been here longer. I can get a better score!

**they wait 108 minutes. Room starts to shake.**

Desmond – See…7418880! Jackpot!

Jack – You said my name?

Kate – Shh…I'm wondering if we could make it a love square…Heellloooo there Desmond.

Locke – The island says that's season 6.

**Locke shoves Desmond for winning and Desmond accidentally shoots the computer**

WARNING WARNING WARNING

**Zaps all the way forward to season 3**

Jack – Awww I'm in a glass box…great.

**Kate and Sawyer are in cages**

Kate – Hey Sawyer, you wana break out of your cage so we can make out?

Sawyer – Sure.

Ben – Muahahaha **holding camcorder** Jack I have something you may find interesting…

Jack – Yey are you gonna start jabbing me with needles next.

**Ben shows Jack the video**

Jack -…**Starts crying**…**again**

Sawyer – Jacks crying.

Kate – Jacks crying?

**At the beach**

Rose – Jacks crying.

Charlie – Jacks crying?

**On the boat**

Jin - **insert Korean**

Sun – Jacks crying?

Kate – How do u know?

Sawyer – I sensed a change in the wind...I think I've spent too much time with Baldy.

Charlie – How do you know?

Rose – I can hear him.

Charlie – Ah I thought that was Aaron.

Flashback

**Jack wakes up after falling asleep in surgery**

Jack – Oh thank god it was a dream!

Nurse – Don't be silly, it's your flashback

Jack – Ah…crap.

**Forgets about the surgery and wanders off to get obsessed over Sarah's new man**

Jack – Its you, dad! **rings number**

Christian – Nope just a lost coincidence, that's Kate calling me.

Jack – You know Kate?

Christian – I'm an other.

Jack – …Other what?

Christian – Man. It's a love square!

Jack – Oh my god this is screwed up. FLASHBACK end…now! **Clicks fingers** now… **Clicks fingers again**

**Jack sighs**

**Weird noise rises in from somewhere** Hey look an orchestra.

Kate – Stop crying!!!

Jack – Kate? Oooh my trademark! KAAAAAAAATE!

Kate – oh my god why has it taken me so long… JAAAAAAAAAACK!

Sawyer – FISH BISCUIT!!

Charlie – Oooh I feel like a dharma fish biscuit…oh wait the hatch is gone now isn't it.

**Claire appears**

Claire – Someone took my baby!

Charlie – You're holding him.

Claire – Oh.

Bernard – HEY! Watch out there's a giant Lost sign about to hit you!

**Boom**

**Yes, I have a weird sense of humour at 4 in the morning. lol**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, for the benefit of anyone reading, I'm a Jater, a Jack fan, Sawyer fan and Kate fan, and many others included, but EVERYONE in this, will have a micky take. I still love them all to bits though. lol There's also no certified pairing, I will no doubt constantly rip the triangle for all it's got, as it's reeeeally getting old now. lol**

Kate - Phew! So glad I survived that.

Desmond - Survived what?

Kate looks around. She's in the hatch.

Kate - How the hell...?!?!?!

Locke - Weeeheee! I beat your score...108!...oh wait, that's still lower.

Jack - Can we get him institutionalised?

Desmond - Sorry brother...thats next season again, after he grows drugs.

**Charlie appears**

Charlie - Did someone mention drugs? Drugs? dRugs? drUgs? druGs? WHERE??!

**Eko appears then, and smacks Charlie over the head with his stick and then starts chanting,_ Hit me with your rhythm stick, hit me, hit me! _And disappears with Charlie over his shoulder**

Bang!

Jack - Finally we're getting somewhere!!

Desmond - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Where all going to die!!

**Hurley turns up**

Hurley - Dude can't you just use your underlying psychic abilities right now to see that, Kate gets Sayid and fixes the computer, and we DON'T die.

Desmond - **Thinks about this ...**No. **Runs off**

Jack - I can't be arsed to run after him.

Locke - Ahhhh push my button Jack, push my button!

Jack - You pushing mine...Its my button!

Kate - Its mine!!...wait isn't it still broken?

Locke - No. I magicked it together.

Jack - What? Are you 2 or something?

Locke - No. I'm 4 8 15 16 23 42 Execute 108!

**Jack shoots computer again for good measure**

**Locke chants it back together again**

Jack - Ah phooey! SKIP!!!! SKIP FOREWORD DAMMIT!!

Kate - Isnt that line supposed to be... "Kate dammit run!

**Flashback**

**Kate's walking down a corridor... With reeeally bad hair!**

Kate - Because I'm worth it! **Flicks hair at camera**

**Big noise again**

Kate - Hey, where've I heard that sound before?

**Back in hatch again...everything is shaking**

Desmond - Where all going to die!!!

Locke - It's not real!!

Kate - Ok I came back at the wrong time. **Clicks heels and returns to another episode...the 23rd psalm**

Kate - Wait! I don't do anything but cut Sawyers hair in this episode.

**Clicks heels again, moves on to...What Kate did.**

Kate - Woohoo...I get to blow up daddy again!

Jack - Woohoo Kate kisses me!

Sawyer - Er Woohoo...I'm not going to die after all!

Locke - Can someone untie me from this chair?

Everyone on the island - NO!

Sawyer - I don't like this episode, Kate kisses Jack.

**Ana Lucia appears**

Ana Lucia - Just you wait another 11 episodes, then we can have dirty, sweaty, Jungle sex!

Sawyer - Oooh! Scheduled!

**LOST writer appears, and whispers to Sawyer that there's going to be SKATE sex**

Sawyer - Desmond? Is that you?

LOST writer - No. **Throws fish biscuit at Sawyer's head**

Sawyer - Woooyeah!! Scheduled!!

Jack - What? But that's not fair! Two seasons of build up!

Kate - **shrugs **

**Jack cries...**

The Island - Ok now everyone drink one large shot of vodka! In fact if he doesn't stop soon, down the whole bottle.

Jack - **Still crying**

**20 minutes later, the whole cast, crew, viewers, magical lost beasts, the whole entire population of middle earth and so on, are on the floor drunk**

**Jackback while we wait for everyone to sober up**

**Jacks sitting on the edge of a pool drinking with his dad...how...appropriate.**

Christian - Good luck, son, with the old ball an' chain. **Pats Jack on the back**

**Jack falls in to the pool**

**Rising sound...of Jack drowning**

**Present time Jack IS drowning...in his tears.**

Kate - **Starts crying, which stops Jack crying **I can't...I just can't...the island...its crazy...

A sound- **Cough**

The Island - Wasn't me.

Sawyer- Sorry, that was me, carry on.

Jack - Ok skip the small talk, KISS ME!!

**Kate shrugs, kisses him, then runs away heehee'in.**

**Sawyer steps out the bushes with a camcorder, and walks away**

Hurley - Er...Can I get a copy of that?

Charlie - Yeah, me too!

Jack - Will I ever have any luck?

The Island - No.

**Boom, with the Jacks never going to get lucky sign**

**Please review...keep my weird little psycho side happy lol :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ah, the third installation. BTW this will only be updated on such occasions as this, when it is stupidly late, and I have nothing better to do. **

**Carrying on the madness...**

**Insert LOST music - Credit where credit is due**

Sun - Why are you playing with that net again?!

**scraps that track. Moves onto something more killer-ish**

Jin - **Korean**

Sun - How dare you?!?!?!

Jin - **More Korean**

**Sawyer watches on...fiddling with...suns used pregnancy test**

Sawyer - Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwww! Why do I keep doing that every morning?!

Hurley - Dude it hasn't been used yet...not for another couple of episodes at least.

Sawyer - Oh! **chucks test over shoulder for luck...but hits Kate on the head**

Kate - OW! I mean who chucks a pregnancy test!

**LOST writer appears again - The line is, 'Who flies with a...' Oh never mind**

Jack - Lots of rest?

Kate - **Sighs**

Jack - Awww...** gets all sad looking**

Everyone in the world/WORLDS - NOOOOO don't even think about it!!

**Charlie walks past also**

Charlie - Oh my Lord...of the rings!! **continues on**

Sawyer - What friggin' episode is this anyways??!!?! MOVE ON! **clicks heels, then starts to dance to the birdie song**

**Rising sound of... Do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, dah dah dah daaaaah!**

**Sawyer's in prison**

Sawyer - Why can't I have a prison bitch too?!

Head chief guy of the prison - 'Cause you miiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!

Sawyer - What?!

Chief dude - I am your father!

Sawyer - **extremely sarcastic raising of eyebrows **Right that's it...flashback DIE!! **Starts to punch a random inmate while the sound of screams resonate **

**Back to the lovely cages in season 3 again**

Sawyer - **Singing **Still sitting in my little jail cell...la la la la...

Kate - I think I'm getting used to going from season 2 to season 3 back and forth...Sawyer, shut up!

Sawyer - Okay... I wonder when season 1 will turn up. ????????????

**It starts to rain heavily**...**like it always did in season 1**

Sawyer - I'm singing in the rain! Just signing in the rain! **Twirls brolly around in his hand**

Kate - Sawyer!!...Where did you get that brolly, it's such a lovely colour...matches your eyes perfectly!

**Back in the hydra**

Ben - Will you do the surgery? **Not blinking**

Jack - No.

Juliet - C'mon, Jack, do the surgery.

Jack - Haha...no.

Juliet - I'll give you a...

Ben - No you will not! How come you'd never do that with me?!?! **Definitely not blinking**

Juliet - I was going to say I'd give him a cheeseburger.

**In the time of very small, pointless debate, Jack, with the aid of the mysterious dolphins has escaped**

Ben - Oh, darn it! Initiate skate sex protocol! **Eyes popping out completely!**

Random Other that kisses Ben's butt - Aye, aye captain! **Salutes**

**Back outside at the cages, there's an Other poking Sawyer with a sharp stick**

Sawyer - Oww! Stop...prodding.. Jesus!! Me with a stick!!

Another Other - Have sex dammit!! **continues prodding**

Kate - Isn't that "Kate dammit run!"?

**Other gives Kate a good jab to stop her mentioning that line**

Sawyer - Wow mood killer! Bring Jack into this...again!

Other - Dammit, do we have to tell Kate ourselves that there's no escape, we're on a different island...whoops...

Kate - Oh my god!!! Sawyer!! **Jumps him**

**In the Hydra again...phew like a tennis game, back, forth...**

Whispers - sneercs aremac ecnallievrus eht ot emoc, kcaaaaaaaaaaaJ (**read backwards)**

Jack - Sooo glad I went to backwards med school **traipses off to the room**

**Walks in and see's Sawyer and Kate doing it**

Jack - Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The island - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jack - Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! **Then laughs**

The island - Right everyone know the drill...wait he's not crying! DAMN!!

Jack - I'm bored, these TVs are boring...even falling asleep in surgery was more interesting.

**Ben appears**

Ben - Will you do the surgery? **Stares at Jack**

Jack - Sure. But I have a tendency to fall asleep.

Ben - That's fine. Make sure you slip and stab Juliet a little. **Smiles...without blinking...then wanders off leaving Jack still free**

Jack - Well FIIIIINE! I'll just throw a bag over my own head and drag myself off to my glass box!

**He does exactly that, walking into a few things on the way.**

**Cages again ¬¬**

Sawyer - Oh crap...I'm going to die again.

Kate - This cage thing is getting lame...so is the 'lets beat Sawyer up every two seconds'. Why couldn't it be, beat up Claire day?

**Claire appears**

Claire - But what about my baby?!?!?!

Sawyer - The Others have him.

Claire - **Screams and cries, even though she's holding him**

**Disappears again**

Sawyer - Thank you! **Hugs a passing Other**

**Rising sound of...Kate snoring, she's been bored to sleep with the whole thing**

**SNORE!**

**My god it's 4.15 am... Total blah...need to sleep. Anywhoo, if anyone reads it, please review:D**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ahhhhhh the randomness continues. **

**Kate is swimming...oh look there's Sawyer too.**

Kate - Eh?! Seriously, one minute we're running in the rain, next we're in...**she looks around**...a waterfall.

Sawyer - Yay! Season one!! Wait why do I want season one so much?

Sayid - Hello honey! **Sharpens bamboo pokey tools**

Sawyer - hey bunchkins!

Kate - What the mother of...?!?!?!?

Locke - I'M FREEEEEEE **Locke runs by waving his hands above his head, and for some reason is being chased by Eko, doing his weird little stalker walk**

Desmond - Come back brothers!! **Running after both**

Locke **distantly **- I'm not your brother!

Sawyer - Right, so Freckles, as I was sa... What the...??

**Jack runs past heading in the opposite direction to Locke, being stalked by Eko, being ran over by brother O'Malley.**

Jack - Oooh I sense someone who is wet, and cold...must heal, HEAL DAMMIT!!

The sky - Hehe, here comes the rain.

Weird pop up shaman - Abooga booga rain! Abooga booga thunder! Abooga booga lightning!!

**Rain. Thunder. Lightning.**

Sawyer - It'sa raining men! Hallelujah! It'sa raining men!!

**HUGE-MOFO-OF-A-BANG-A-DOODLE**

Sawyer - OOOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEE!!!!! Who the fuck shot me??

Tom/Zeke/Mr friendly(or apparently not so)/evil santa man - Hehe, see you next year...

**He wanders off into a bush to make it look all mystical but no...he walks into a tree**

Crazy Santa Tom - Jeez, cannot disappear without looking like an...oww...tree stump, damn tree...

**Walks off muttering to himself. Sawyer is still lying on the floor bleeding**

**Elsewhere...**

Jack - I can sense someone hurt...or are they already dead? Kate have you been digging up the marshall again.

Kate - Yes, you just helped me do it.

**Jack looks around. Notices he's with Kate and the marshals' body is on the floor.**

Jack - I know this island is mystical and all, but this is ridiculous!

**Suddenly time skips forward a bit**

Jack - What's in the case??!??!?!!

Kate - I don't know!!!!

Jack - Whats in the case dammit?!?!?!?

Kate - Isn't that "Kate, dammit, run!!!"???

**The marshal reincarnates just for a second**

Eddie Mars bar - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

**He dies once more**

Jack - Fine, I will open the case.

Kate - Fine...Ooooh condoms!!!!

**The case is full of them, home grown dharma brand**

Jack - They're mine!!!

Desmond - They're mine bro!!

Locke - Can I get some of that??

Jack - Wait, wait, wait!! We should give them all to Sawyer! He sleeps with everybody, and then next thing you know...THEY DIE!

Eko - Good point, I wish I had known that before... **cries and disappears in a puff of black smokie**

Tree - Smokie? You tree hugger you!

The Island - DRINK!! Wait! Don't drink! Don't drink, save it for Jack!

Everybody collectively - Awwww.

**Puts away death percent alcohol**

Locke - Yoooooooink!

**sound...something...lalala**

Jack - Hey we're in season three again...look hydra!

Juliet - Look, heavy object.

**Jules cracks him over the head with the ketchup bottle she wouldn't give him earlier**

Jack - Gaa gaa goo goo

Juliet - Tom, get my needle! Muahahahaha!

Kate - Nooooooooooooo!! He cannot get pregnant!

Juliet - How do you know I'm...

Kate - It was Sawyers name on the invitation.

Jules - Invitation?

**Ben appears**

Ben - I didn't send you one.

Jules - I'm very disappointed.

Ben - TM my line...

Jack - Well at least you won't be disappointed for very long.

**Jack shoots Juliet, and Ben cracks Jack over the head with...an empty vodka bottle...ooh look who's been drinking**

**random skip**

Kate - Oh look a net! cue blushing

Jack - Why are you blushing? And where the hell are we???

Kate - We...uh...you know...

Jack - We had sex??

Kate - No we got caught in a net.

**resonating sound of Sawyer "So that's what they are calling it these days"**

Jack - Urgh...

Juliet - You're telling me...you shot me!

Jack - I was aiming for Bens tumour...must have missed.

Ben - skip to the loo dee doo skips past down the corridor

**LOST boom...just an advert**

Nikki - Ah...gutting fish...

Paulo - Ah...ooh Sawyer's porno...

Writer - Few notes...Sawyer is still here...you are, technically supposed to be here all along despite no one ever seeing you before. **winks**

Paulo - Got it!

**shouting going on in the background...or foreground really...was...**

Nikki - Jack and Sawyer are fighting again.

Paulo - Over Kate?

Nikki - Probably...wait no...over John.

Paulo - Wow...love gets really screwed up these days.

Locke **at a distance** - Why does nobody ever want to love me?!!!!!! **wails**

Sawyer - WHERE'S MY PORNO?!!

**Paulo hides mag behind his back**

Claire - Where's my baaaaaaby?! runs away

Sawyer – Porno trumps baby! Oooh stale beer. gets disracted

**flashes forwards/backwards/any direction to some random episode**

Sawyer – Mmmm crappy beer….it's gone…great. looks around. He's outside his tent, beer free and holding a book instead Stupid book…

Claire – I NEED A GUN!!!!!! **points gun at Sawyer**

Sawyer – AHHHHHHHHHHH Not again!!!

Claire – Again?!?!!

Sawyer – **unintelligible screams**

Claire – I want my baaaaaaaby baaaaaack!

**Locke wanders past**

Locke – He's in Sawyer's stash **gone**

**Locke is being followed by Jack, who seems to be copying Eko's stalker walk**

Jack – Must kill…must save…must kill...must heal...heal…kill…heal…

Jin - **in the background, to Sun Korean** Did we just skip and I missed it? **/Korean**

Sun - **raises arms in a ZOMBIE fashion** - Must kill….must kill…must… **heads towards Sawyer**

**writer pops up**

Writer – Wow, season 7 came round quicker than we thought.

**ALMIGHT BOOM!**

**And if you feel like leaving a review do so, even if you want to scream at me that I haven't favoured your specific ship. :D**


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